Stiffy's Thoughts, Rants & Observations | |
 Everybody I know is sick. Not "sick as in they need to be institutionalized for kickin a puppy"... but rather "sick as in they have a cold, or a sinus infection, or the flu, or some other illness that I dont want." I worry that if things get any worse I will arrive at work tomorrow only to find the place closed due to an ebola outbreak. All we need is a little more bad luck, and Im sure an infested monkey will turn up somewhere...
For some reason, I don't get sick. Honestly, I cant tell you the last time I've had a cold or the flu or anything like that. Okay im bullshittin, last yr I was as sick as a Liberian health care worker! I'd like to chalk it up to good livin, but since I dont get much exercise and eat for crap, I'm sure that's not the case. Maybe I've just got good luck when it comes to health (it would be nice to know I've gotten lucky somewhere in my life). Maybe my body has decided to save all my sick days, and everything is going to go wrong all at the same time? That would suck!
 Tele-marketers suck ass. That's why I was thrilled that a National Do Not Call Registry was initiated so that people I don't know won't call at all times of the day and night wantin me to buy their crap. Since I haven't received a tele-marketer call in months, I can only guess that it's working. Problem solved, right? WRONG! Apparently, if you are a political organization, charity, or are giving a survey, you can still call and bug the shit out of people any time you want. Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way on the worst possible night.
Now its evenin time, im home from a hard days work & jus finish havin supper. Im layin on my good bed wit the remote in my hand listenin to my subtle & relaxed heartbeat while fadin in & out of consciousness like Al Pachino's character "Carlito Brigante" in the endin of Carlito's Way when gettin shot in Grand Central Station or for those that nvr saw the movie... its jus like u had Thanksgivin dinner, with the hopes of getting an uninterrupted power nap b4 American Idol starts @ 8pm.
Twenty minutes later, just as I got my body in that ever so comfortable fetal position jus like i was in my mommas womb, the phone rings. I snap awake in a panic wondering if somebody I know has been put in the hospital or has died or something equally horrible has happened. I run to the phone with a sense of dread overwhelming me, only to find out that it's a f#@%ing survey. That's right, my first shot @ a nap IN WEEKS has completely turned to shit because somebody wants me to take some kind of survey...
Angel: Hello? *YARNS*
Survey Bitch: I'm with a National organization gathering research...
Angel: WHAT? It's 6:45 at night... I was IN BED!!
Survey Bitch: Our organization is one of the largest...
Angel: I DON'T CARE! It's past 6:00, I was POWER NAPPIN, and am not interested. Don't call me again! Put me on your do-not call list and never bother me again!
Survey Dillhole: WE DON'T HAVE ONE!!! We are a National organization gathering research for children with asthma and need...
Angel: Whatever.... Give me ur cell or house # & I'll call in the morning.
Survey Scank: I can't do that sir.....
Angel: I jus wanted to bother u while ur gettin things 2gether in ur house early in the mornin so u can feel exactly how i feel rite NOW!
Survey Tramp: Well i cant do that Mr.Angel i guess we'll call u @ a different time.
*DIAL TONE*
WTF... i felt cheated cause i wanted the last word & she happen to get the last word! Now i cant wait for her to call again!!!
It's at this point I wish I had an old-fashioned phone that I could slam down, but all I can do is press the "OFF" button on my handset and throw the phone on the table. Any chance I had of getting my power nap last night has been effectively destroyed.
I was burnin mad that I want to disconnect my phone. But what if there's an emergency and somebody needs me? I guess that's not an option after all. This sucks. I don't give a crap what organization you work for, or how worthy your cause is... NOBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BOTHER RANDOM PEOPLE OVER THE PHONE!! EVER! While I have every sympathy for kids with asthma (even though I have no kids, nor do I know any that have asthma), waking people up at night is just wrong!
 Dear Human Resources,
I'm going to quit my job and become a ninja because ninjas kick ass. I just have to remember to pick up some black pajamas and a black market ninja sword when I'm in Lil Japan somewhere in Queens NY, 'cause I don't imagine that they sell that kind of stuff in Home depot. Think about how much it would rule to be a ninja... you get to assassinate people that bug you (or write you hate-mail or cut you off in traffic) and look really cool doing it. Nobody would mess with a ninja, because you carry that razor sharp sword around and could just dice up their sorry asses for being stupid!
See? Those are just tiny Lego ninjas and the totally RAWK! Real ninjas are at least ten times cooler than that!
This blog here shows that i have nothin else to talk about & for that matter anythin worth while to share! Probably it was inspired by some idiots im with watchin football!
*SHRUGS*
Stiffy was in Rite-Aid this aftanoon pickin up a few items for the howse, and Stiff came upon these lovelies. (I like speakin in 3rd person) MMM-mmm-mmmm. I wonder what the secret is… what makes it SO mojo? Hmmmm... why does it have to be a mix to be mojo? Jus in case u didnt know... "Mojo Mix contains peanuts, raisins, m&m's, cashews & 1 or 2 other stuff". Suppose to give u energy durin the day. Im not actually a health nut!
If you added more raisins and less M&M’s would it still be Mojo Mix? Ok If you took all the raisins out so it didn’t look like there was a cat turd in the front of the package, would it still be Mojo Mix? God, why do they play with my emotions? So many questions so lil time!
Jus for the record i didnt really have nothin to write about!
 Why oh why Yahoo? These past 3 days feels like im goin cold turkey! These past 3 days u have been cruel to my friends. U runnin my friends away & im startin to look @ u different. Your actin like the drunk uncle no 1 cant stand around the holidays. At 1st u took my innocent soul & got me addicted to u! Then we had a luv affair. But the thrill is gone. Now i find myself in alley layin in a puddle of my own urine in a fetal position thinkin about our past. We spend nites wit each other readin blogs or jus hangin out makin ppl laugh. Now u turn around & wanna act different to me & my friends.
DAMN it.. i xcepted the fact that @ times my mail was late 3-4 weeks late. I xcepted the fact that @ times i couldnt send out private messages & i also xcepted the fact that u didnt let me xcept new friends but i still stuck by u. Look @ that pic up there. U did that to me. The pain stops here Yahoo. I was thinkin of detoxing & ending this luv affair we have & ride off into the sunset. If i do that i will let down my friends that left to greener pastures. But theres other drugs (net-works) out there & they jus keep callin me, callin me & callin me. My real life friends want me to go & clean myself up, leave this net-work thang alone... i thought about it.
NO NO NO...I still wanna be a internet junky whether wit u or without u. Imma linger around for a lil bit but then 1 day.....
Take that Yahoo!
Why does the clock's second hand move so slowly when you are watchin it?
What's even worse than having one clock to watch is havin a bank of them, tick-tockin above your head.
I've now only got 25 minutes left before I can go home. It seems like years. Each tick of the second hand seems to be takin an eon. I'm sure some of the clocks are sometimes going backwards. Oh please, let this borin half day come to an end!
 Nevertheless....
This mornin i walked into my jobs bathroom to use their sh!tter! There were 2 stalls, of
which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my boxers, layed out 2 inches of toilet paper on the seat and sat down. Normally i NVR (how do we say) poo @ work wit the fear of me stankin up the place so every mornin afta breakfast i pop a imodium ad pill... but this mornin i completely 4got!
A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there, how are you
doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah,
Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to
say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time .
"Sorry Denise, I'll have to call you back. I've got some creep in the stall next to me answering everything I say."
Thats how my day started off! Im goin to have lunch & then im goin home where i can poo in comfort while talkin or textin on my cell phone! LOL!!!
This blog here may be a lil offensive so i advise u to take ur "stick in the mud arse" outta here. This isnt for ppl that left their humor back in their childhood.
A good & humorous friend of mine name Fat Sheisty & I was brainstorming on the train from 59th st xpress to 125th st. about this blog we read in our jobs newspaper. It was TRYIN to dice out the different types of honeyholes! The blog was from a lame i bet was Captain of the chess club & is a major playa in the Star Wars & Star Trek convention circuit. This here is how life really is from my point of view wit a lil of my type of spin to it. Sooooo my 360 comrades (being that yall mostly women) im here to enlighten & entertain yall wit some facts on how SOME of us men categorize the different types of poonany! I also have 4 more but thats for another day!
Poonany Types!
1. Expensive Pussy
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, Vera Wang dresses, Gucci "Genius Jeans", Evisu "Worker Jean Shorts", and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. After the break up u usually find urself livin in your car under a bridge with a serious masturbation habit! Often not worth it.
2. Cheap Pussy
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shake it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3. Hired Pussy
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern California or Times Square and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Make sure u have a trusted friend that will have ur bail money for you when that police officer knocks on your foggy car window! Often not worth it.
4. Virgin Pussy
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until "marriage", will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once. U might get stalked & frequent "I miss you baby" messages on your cell phone or answering machine. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5. Nympho Pussy
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your hacky sacks into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, unbendable smile & will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Will have you frequently callin her & harassing her to the point of stalking. You would frequently hear "Mr.So & So PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD & KNEEL ON THE GROUND"!!! Often not worth it. *SMH*
 My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not? To provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not? Since I have now become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, ACLU, etc., me being the Pillar Of The 360 Community i think i can solve the problems that effect us. It solves both our gas and illegal immigrant problems.
We should hire illegal immigrants to push our cars. Being that we waste more gas driving in the streets, we can have them push us around locally like when we doing our grocery shopping, picking up kids after soccer games, taking kids to school or just having them push us to the gas station for that great weekend getaway wit ur wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend or ur lova!
They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then we pay them in pesos so they have to go home to spend it!
Im not anti-immigrant... im jus sayin!
Yes ppl from now on yall can me the answer man!
"They tryna make me go to rehab, I won't go, no
And so I'm addicted, I'm Britney, Whitney, and Bobby
Betty Ford ain't ready for it, ain't nothin can stop me
O look he's collapsin, just look how he's rappin
Everytime I try to get out it pulls me back in
Amy should have rehab'd him,'stead she doubled his ration
Can you blame me for being a slave to my passion
My heron flows more deeper than marilyns nose I'ma o.d. till I'm in peace like Anna Nicole, hov!"
Thats Jay Z lyrics to Amy Winehouse "Rehab" rmx & it had me thinkin. I jus had to come clean & get this monkey off my back! Nvr discussed this issue wit anyone. Dont know if its cause im embarrass but we all face some type of embarrassment & shame @ some point of our lives.
It all started 1 chilly nite on Nov of 2005. My friends & i was laddy gaggin around the house bored to death. One of my friends happens to be the spark plug of the group. He can have fun no matter whats the circumstance & that nite we relied on him for some late nite xcitement. He gave us somethin that open my eyes & boy did i enjoyed it. We was like a kids in the candy store especially me. I wouldnt nvr tried it b4 but since all of us was there i didnt wanna seem like the party pooper. Yep, i tried it & LOVED IT! We LOVED IT!
So many ppl also tried it & they was havin so much fun. So many pretty girls was on it. I even bumped into some ppl around my way on it. This was truly a secret i was put on to. Did u think for 1 min that i was gonna stop? Hell no, my friends & i had a blast as the final days of 2005 was countin down.
My friends stopped for their own personal reasons. Not me, i wanted more. I wasnt gonna stop, i met to many strange, creepy, funny, & beautiful ppl that i became close friends wit. These new friends spent hrs doin the same thing i was doin & i spent many late late nights wit them. We shared stories, hardships & laughs! Fukc my other friends cause these ppl are the same as them & they love my company. My new friends introduced me to other ppl but slowly but surely they also became my friends also. This new thang calls me @ work, jus calls me in the evening time & i yearn her (i mean) it late nite. Especially late nite! We use to meet up in the afternoon from the nite b4... it only took 1 friend ask me "whats good" & i replied "nothin much, what are u gettin urself into?" Thats when the fun begins!
Wit these new friends, ive seen ppl from all over doin what we do & we felt like a big part of this meltin pot! Some of my other "friends" tried to get me help, i said... NO NO NO
They also tried gettin me to use the network sites such as Myspace, Facebook, Online Booty Call & Zengo.... but NO, IM ADDICTED TO Y!360 SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
My name is Stiffy Johnson & im a addict!
Ok 360 as u know im very lazy when it comes to my blogs. But i seen a challenge & i decided to partake. The blog Challenge i chose to add my .02 cents was from Baby girls page. It was about your personal favorite tv commercial so i started thinkin. I happen to be a BIG fan of tv commercials but as of lately their havent been many funny commercials & im pretty sure im not alone in that opinion. There is so many that i enjoy but this blog would take all day, so i cut it down to the latest commercial thats hilarious to me & i can watch it over & over & wont get tired! This is a Bud Light ad... i personally dont care for Bud Light but they do have many funny advertisements! Btw.... Bud Light sux!
Whats good my 360 colleagues! As some of y'all know i live in Harlem N.Y & i seen alot of weird stuff in my life, alot! For quite some time last summer i heard of this raging idiot that drives around wit a house air conditioner hangin from the back of his van. I nvr get to see this flamin moron & i began thinkin that it was a urban myth. From time to time i argued that these dudes need to stop drinkin & smoking cause this can not be possible. No way would a person do such a stupid act.
One day on 1 of my late nite food shoppin rendezvous @ Pathmark i couldnt believe my eyes. I saw a blue van waitin for the light. The lite turns green & traffic proceeds & i began to run after it like i was T.J Hooker! After 4 blocks i finally catch up to this buffoon. I was perplexed of what i saw. To exhausted to ask him any questions i jus took this pic cause i knew that 1 day i was goin to blog this & yall wouldnt believe me. 360 feast ur eyes on 1 of New York City biggest Oafs!!!
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